With his spectacularly flamboyant and satanic music video, Lil’ Nas X has set a high bar for celebrities who wish to open up about their sexuality in dramatic fashion. Here are several others who have the potential to (figuratively) top the young star:
Sociology professor Dick Tinkleson was overheard at a Maxey urinal last week discussing his research on the phenomena of actor-induced “gay awakenings.” His findings suggest the actor most likely to induce such a self-reckoning is none other than the perpetually middle-aged dad, Paul Rudd. The world is eagerly awaiting “Papa Paul” to come out in fatherly fashion at his annual “Bocce Ball Bash and BBQ.”
The 68-year-old presidential hopeful turned archetypal “Florida Man” has been married for nearly 50 years, but rumors about his sexuality have circulated ever since he was spotted by his brother George W. at a Miami club demonstrating, as George put it, “just how much flexibility that third hip replacement had given him.” Bush is rumored to be contemplating combining his next “intent to run announcement” with a coming-out party hosted by Luis Fonsi, Maluma and Bad Bunny.
From subverting heteronormativity in country music and encouraging us to consider whether perhaps it was Taylor’s own father asking her to “stay away from Juliet,” T-Swizzy has been pushing the limits of acoustic sexuality since high school. Recently, post-doc level research published to Tumblr message boards has practically proven that the Country-Pop-Indie mogul has been engaged in a long-term fling with model Karli Kloss. With her flannel aesthetic branded into the public’s mind, it’s about time that Tay clipped a ring of keys to her faded blue jeans.
According to a Celebrity Post poll, the FOX news anchor, and constant creator of the dumbest takes on cable television, “might be gay but who cares!” With such a remarkable absence of thoughts, it seems likely that Lahren will out herself on air, perhaps saying, “while Liz Cheney is a total MILF she’s got no place on Capitol Hill!”
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